I ask again and again how my boyfriend likes to be touched. We fuck like busy business people. He bites me in the butt, and in the pain I find a pleasure that I didn't know before. Last night we discussed the pain, and what it means to have sex with it incorporated. I’m a rope bunny, masochist, brat and submissive personality according to a BDSM test that I took a few weeks ago. It didn't bother me. Instead, it made me think about how little I've known about my own sexuality. It's something I've written about before, this hiatus I had, this disgust I felt towards sex and men. There is a pleasure in sharing a sexuality and at the same time, dependent and independent of my partner, developing and exploring my limits. I think about what desire is?
My own and his?
I think about the dynamics that exist in having sex, all the opposing feelings, the compromises, the unexplored, the surprising and the transgressive. Sometimes sex feels like a shrug - a matter of course, a small part of the overall day.
Setting boundaries is something I'm still exploring. I want to stand up for myself instead of avoiding and sneaking around situations. Setting boundaries still equals courage. I know that I tend to manipulate the good and positive feelings in myself, sometimes I also manage to provoke them in others. I understand that this is something I learned as a result of my childhood with an alcoholic dad. From a young age, I could control my dad in dangerous (emotional) situations, maintain calm in chaos and unpredictability. I learned that what goes on in my home is secret and shameful. I learned that failure, powerlessness, madness and violence are something that can be tamed and experienced as normal. It's about being able to control yourself, wrap up the feeling and pretend it's nothing. Running around in the dark screaming for relief. Putting two opposite feelings next to each other in the head, and choosing the good one. I have received treatment from psychologists, grief groups and support groups for children of addicts. I’ve been bold and persistent.
Mental healing is an individual piece of work, lonely and monotonous. Loving someone gives me reason to share. Love is an action. A choice, a will. Like sex, it can never be taken for granted - it's not just something you have, but something you choose to have.
Being more true to my sexuality allows me to feel, set limits, say no, articulate, receive and give care, be vulnerable, weep, be loud!
be everything that I didn't dare to be
xxxolli
Photo from my dear friend <333
❤️